more akkad: Games To Play When You're Angry - GameBlurb

ou ever just have that urge to utterly annihilate something? I don?t mean in real life, and if so you might want to get some medication, or see a doctor; because you?ve got problems. For the rest of you who?ve been able to successfully separate fiction from reality you know those days where nothing is working out, days where you wouldn?t be entirely surprised if you were hit by a bus, or blown up by homicidal, mass-murdering terrorist cheerleaders? ?

Gaming has take off on both consoles and PC platforms, and without getting into another one of those stupid-ass, and utterly pointless debates about which one is better, everyone has games that they play to ?relieve stress.? Now, some people settle for Call of Duty online, but is that really the best choice? I mean, we are in fact looking to calm down and release some of that anger that the day has brought on. Hopping into an online death match situation where getting trolled by 13-year olds, or just people who are ?better certainly doesn?t seem like a way to do that. No, when I am in one of these moods I like to stick to either co-op or single player games. This really allows you to let loose, you know what I am talking about; or maybe you don?t. At any rate, someone gets it; and with that I would like to share my favorite titles to get out some of that extra aggression on days where the world just hands you a shit sandwich and expects you to eat it without any bacon.

These are not in any particular order, because organization is for chumps and people who have OCD. I went with fives games, because I like the number five.
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Dynasty Warriors: Yes, seriously. These games aren?t exactly swimming in brilliant storytelling, character development, or voice acting or much of anything. If there is one thing that DW is great at it?s throwing a bunch of ?red shirts? at you with the idea that you will kill as many of those poorly trained bastards as possible. It is a mindless, button-mashing, rage-fest that tallies up every poor ignorant farmhand you smash with a hammer, axe, staff, sword, or weird bladed ring-thingies. dynasty-warriors-7-2 Which brings me to my next point? Kill Counters. A game that has a kill counter delivers instant satisfaction. Not sure you?re going to succeed in your mission at hand? Fuck it, look how many dudes you just killed! If you fail, that means you just get to kill those losers all over again. Even if you lose, you still win! Unless you?re fighting Lu Bu, avoid this scurvy son of a bitch at all costs, or at least until you?re confident you?ve leveled enough, then level some more! You don?t just want to beat him, you want to send him and his stupid-fast horse flying over that Great Wall! (actually, keep the horse. It?s like lightning.)

left_4_dead_2_conceptart_2vgaw Left 4 Dead 2: Why? because it?s got all the maps from the first game and melee weapons! There is nothing more satisfying than taking a fire axe or katana and just hacking the ever-loving shit out of the undead.?Sure, you could go into vs. Mode, but that would just piss you off more, wouldn?t it? You want co-op, this way there is no rush. You and your team can just wait for zombies to spawn and kill them all until you feel better or your team gets pissed at you for wasting time.This is a game that needs to be played online, since the bots in L4D2 make the player want to punch babies, yes? Punch babies! Don?t act like there aren?t some infants out there that don?t deserve it either, those stuck-up, new born, diaper wearing, nipple sucking ninnies. I digress, there are very few things more satisfying than massacring a horde of zombies trying to eat you and your buddies faces.

Supreme Commander 2: or SC2 for short, (eat it Starcraft 2, we were here first!) Now this is a great choice. With a plethora of upgrades and abilities you unlock faster by destroying your enemies it really promotes robot-on-robot violence. 2140949-supreme_commander_2_1b The game is great just to get together with a friend or to just lone-wolf some skirmishes. SC2 also doesn?t mess around with silly things like micromanagement, no you just build massive groups of all sorts of fighting robots and send them at your enemy?s structures. You don?t need to really control them, because who the hell needs to tell a killer-robot to use their big guns??No one, that?s who. It?s a fuckin? killer robot! When you destroy the enemy commander you?re also treated to a very nice and stimulating thermonuclear explosion. While the game may not be over, unless your opponent is really good at comebacks you?ve all but won. Now, just kick back and torture your slowly dying opponent while they desperately try to hold on for dear life. Hell, you can even make it interesting and let them rebuild, make them think they?ve got a fighting chance. It?s not cruel, they are in fact only robots.

Super Smash Brothers: Any will do, really. The entire franchise is kickass-tastic, however for the sake of keeping it currently, let?s go with Brawl. ssbb_guide_1205273867_1211179395 ?I mean, what other game really lets you get together with a few friends and just beat the hell out of one another and actually enjoy the stomping??None, Brawl makes it fun to lose, and no other game lets you trounce the shit out of your favorite cartoon and game characters with reckless abandon.?As a man who never really enjoyed the Pokemon series, kicking Pikachu of the side of a building is really satisfying, that little electric rat can fall for eternity for all I care. How about flying a guided rocket fired by Solid Snake right up the ass of Captain Falcon? Falcon-Punch that, dick. It?s also great to play alone, just crank the difficulty and see what happens, sure you could lose but you?ll have a fun time doing it. From there just watch your stress and worries melt away while you dish out the pain with your favorite childhood characters. You really can?t go wrong with Brawl.

Tetris Attack: Because ?Attack? is in the name and it?s my list! Sure, it?s a puzzle game, no shooting, no blood or violence, hell even the avatars you have to choose from are cute, chubby dolts that stand there and act like they are doing something important with a dopey and toothy grin on their otherwise stupid faces. There is however very few things in life that are as satisfying as building up a few layers of blocks only to dump them all on your opponent. Saving your own skin, while totally screwing over the person you?re playing against. Seriously, the hell with them; you?re having a bad day and winning is what matters here, even if you?ve got to bury their corpse one block at a time. This is a double-edged sword though, it is really easy to become the person getting blocks shoved down your throat at an incredibly inconvenient and quick rate. So, if you choose this game, pick someone you are pretty sure you can win against, like your 5-year old cousin or that dude who lives a few doors down from you with no thumbs. Either way, when you win there is a good chance your opponent will cry, but who cares? Not you, you?re a fucking winner!

Bonus Round: I know I said there was going to be five, but now there is six; because fuck the number five, that shit was so six minutes ago.

Saints Row The Third: You may be thinking ?Why not GTA?? That?s because GTA doesn?t go damn near far enough for those prone to fits of chaotic and ridiculous rage. Not to mention SR3 is full of angry, aggressive assholes that deserve nothing more than having cars rammed down their pixelated pie-holes. This game really lets you paint a mosaic of pain and suffering with the streets of Steelport as your canvas and the unsuspecting citizens of the city your medium. You can dish out a healthy portion of death in just about every color of the rainbow in this game. You may feel like going the high-tech route, using a VTOL to fly around the city; blowing up every vehicle in your path. Or maybe the more barbaric approach of dropping painful wrestling moves on some poor sap unlucky enough to have spawned next to you. Now, my personal favorite has a bit more flair and is satisfying as all hell. These four little words can bring a smile to just about anyone?s face ?Giant purple dildo bat.? Yup, I challenge you to beat someone to death with this weapon without a smile on your face. It can?t be done, it defies all logic and reason; just like the rest of the game. In a microcosm the giant purple dildo bat accurately describes this game and really shows us the lighter and more carefree side of sexual assault in the fine city of Steelport.